What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
