My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
