I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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