meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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