my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
