Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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