my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
