I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
