He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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