As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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