good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
