I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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