Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
