Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I looked at my own cervix.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
