just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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