And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
