I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
