I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
