I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
