soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
