I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
