I cannot find my penis.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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