I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
