This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
