new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
