I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
