Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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