I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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