wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
