I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
a search helicopter?!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
