Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
