Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
