your room smells of hookers.
And success
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I wear drunk well.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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