i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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