Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize