hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
