My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
