Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
