ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
