I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
They are going to name an STD after you.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
