You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
