Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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