i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
