I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
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You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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