just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
