I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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