i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We are two peas in an std pod
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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