My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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