Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
