textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
