is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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