I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
