Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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