so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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