Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
