hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
