i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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