You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
