Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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