put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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